There is a lot I could say to myself if I went back in time to before becoming a mother:
“Enjoy the freedom you have!”
“Travel more, indulge, do all the things you want to do while you have the time!”
“Sleep as MUCH as possible now!”
“You will not be the same person after having kids. Your priorities will change, your values will shift, and your whole world will be different.”
There are times when I grieve the PK (Pre-Kid) life. I grieve the loss of sleep I used to get, freedom I had, ease of engaging in self-care, creative interests, travel, and spontenous adventures. I grieve having lost certainty in myself for a period of time after having kids. I grieve that motherhood was really challenging for me the first few years, during covid, with two babies, no support, and PPD/PPA. I grieve that my second birth didn’t go the way I wanted it to. I grieve that I had to put my eldest in a few days of daycare sooner than I felt ready. I grieve that I am not always there for every milestone and every discovery with my children.
For a long time I felt guilty about grieving these things. As a mom I was supposed to “enjoy every moment” but to be honest, I just don’t. I felt stuck in ‘mom guilt’ where no matter what you do, you’re not enough or doing it right.
I am here to tell you that it is OKAY to grieve! It is okay and normal and natural to grieve the things you have lost or that have changed since becoming a mom. It is okay to grieve when motherhood isn’t always fun or everything you want it be. It is okay to grieve when things don’t go as planned. Recognising our grief journey allows us to accept ourselves where we are at and be kind to ourselves.
How do you make peace with your grief?
– Recognise that is there. Naming it helps you claim back power over it.
– Don’t judge it or yourself. Grief is not shameful. It is human and it is natural and it is valid.
– Accept your grief to break the cycle of resistance. The more you resist, the more energy you are giving it and the more you feel powerless in a struggle with yourself.
– Be curious about it but don’t live only in that space. Reflect on why that grief is there and give yourself validation for having it. Don’t let yourself live in a world clouded by regret and victimization.
– Hold duality. You can have grief about something AND joy at the same time.
– Accept that grief is, at times a part of your journey and allow it space when you need space to feel it. Then move forward and allow space for other emotions and experiences.
– Find someone to talk about it with. You will not be alone in this experience. Find a community or a person where it feels safe to be honest and vulnerable.
For some people, the grief becomes unrelenteless and limiting and they need support to navigate this so they can feel revived in their life post-motherhood. This starts with first recognition and validation then we can move forward with hope and purpose into your era where, yes you may have grief, and also optimism, hope, joy, and self-love.
If you feel like you are stuck behind grief, or if you are lost as to HOW to go about reconnecting with yourself as a mom and finding your purpose – send me a message to chat about how I can help.
xx
Dacia